Styles Of Love, Unconscious Choices, Failed Love And Divorce, Whom We Love
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SubjectPsychology
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Directions: Read the love stories assigned for this module (love stories＝ Game, Recovery, Religion). Select TWO (2) and answer the corresponding questions. Questions＝ Briefly describe the modes of thought and behavior in each as well as 2 advantages and 2 disadvantages in the story that Sternberg outlines. Are any of the stories your stories? Do you identify with any of the characters described? Are there story elements that match your experiences? If you have not personality experienced any of these stories, can you think of any examples ″out there?″ For example in films, books, TV shows, history? AND answer the question on the podcast. What are three key takeaways from this podcast? What is your experience/reaction?
c– THE GAME STORY
The game story goes back at least to Ovid, who described love as
ludic, or gamelike.1 This view of love is also captured in John Lee’s
notion of the gamelike, or ludic, lover2
What distinguishes the game story from other gamelike stories or
stories about love being fun is that in this story the game is what is
called “zero-sum”: There is a winfier and a loser, and as one indi- vidual comes closer to winning, the other comes closer to losing. 3
Thus, the game story involves a kind of competition, although one
of the partners may be unaware that the competition is taking place.
Often, multiple individuals are involved in the game, but only one
partner may be aware of this fact, or both partners may be aware, but with respect to different players. They may both be playing the
same game without either partner realizing it. One of the most well-known expressions of the game story in
film can be found in the movie Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where
Ric:hard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor have constructed an elaborate
game in which each is continually trying to undercut the other. But
each is also dependent on the other to play the game and to follow
the rules. When the rules change, it spells disaster for the relation-
ship. Burton and Taylor suck another young couple into their game,
destroying that couple along with themselves.
Games do not have to be as destructive as the Taylor-Burton
game, but their competitive nature is at odds with the way we typ-
ical!y define close relationships. Judson Mills d M f: hav d · · · hed an argaret Clark ~· . e . lStmgUis between communal relationships-in wh,·ch ther ~. IS a gtve-and-take where no “records” are kept-and h e ~~;.:~ lationsh· · h’ h exc ange re- .
Ips, m w lC there is a fairly careful tit-for-tat with both ~·.· partners In the relationship keeping track of h . . : , , ceivin h ‘ G . w 0 IS giving and re- t(
g w at. arne stones are about exchange not I ~· lationships. ‘ communa re- [‘
;::=~=————~ Diagnosing the Game Story f 1 I believe Jove is like a g . . I 2 I b ,. d . . arne, sometJmes you win, sometimes you Jose. ..,.
e Jeve ating IS much like a . 3 I lik t I k . game, you play your part and hope to win
e o oo at re!atJonships as a ga I · and . me; my ass may be somebody else’s gain f:. Vice versa. ‘ •f
4 I view my relationships as gam Th . f the ~citement of the game. es. e uncertarnty of winning or losing is part of J”
5 I bel1eve partners in a re/ationshi rk l minimizincr losses and max· .. par~ ‘ e opponents in a game; each side aims at ~
rm1zrng garns. 1
6 When a romantic partner breaks up with me, I feel like I have lost . l 7 When ram w”th . m a game.
I a partner m a relationship I find myself th” k” . is winning and who is losing. ‘ m mg m terms of who
8 l believe relationships are a game much l’k h J e any ot er.
fill and Stephen
gl Jill ~d Stephen belong to the same health club. Occasionally they an~e T Irtatwusly at each other, but they have yet to exchange a
Wor . oday, however, Stephen notices that Jill has left her b m the we1ght ro d · . gym ag
om, an , seizmg the opportunity he . k . chases after h J’ll ‘ plc s lt up and
er. ‘ acts surprised and grateful when h h d h the bag alth h h h d e an s er
, oug s e a intended to leave it behind k . th Stephen had been e ein h , nowmg at had left it. y g er and would almost certainly see that she
They have a light conversation, and it is obvious from th e outset
that neither wants to sound too interested in the other. As an aside,
Jill mentions how much fun she’s been having in the yoga class that
the health club offers. Stephen responds by telling her that he has
always considered going to one of these classes (which, of course, he
hasn’t really considered) but that he has never gotten around to it.
Jill tells him that a class is starting up in five minutes and that he
should come along. He readily agrees, although he is careful not to
seem too excited.
After the class ends, Stephen casually asks Jill for her phone num-
ber. She gives it to him, and they go their separate ways. That night
Stephen sits by the phone, wondering whether to call Jill. He decides
it would be best to wait a day, just to keep her guessing. When he
finally calls her, she tells him that she is busy and that she’ll call him
back when she gets a chance. In reality, Jill isn’t busy at all, but she
doesn’t want Stephen to think that she’s just sitting by the phone,
waiting for him to call.
Eventually Stephen and Jill start spending time with one another;
however, just as it was in the health club and on the phone, each of
them treats the other as a friendly competitor in a game, rather than
as a partner in a budding relationship. It is as if they both want to feel that they are somehow winning the game at the e;.xpense of the
other. For instance, Jill always tries to make it seem as though Ste-
phen wants her more than she wants him. She waits for him to
make a sexual pass at her; then, even though she wants to reciprocate
his movements, she backs off, teasing him with a sly laugh.
Stephen, the more competitive of the two, turns everything into
a literal contest. While hanging out at a bar the other night, he set
up a game whereby the winner would be the one who was ap-
proached by the largest number of people. He and Jill separated
themselves by a distance long enough to ensure that others would
not think they were together, yet short enough to be able to keep
tabs on one another. At first this little ·contest was quite exciting; at
the very least it was a change of pace from the standard bar outing.
However, when they decided to tally up the score, there was a minor
discrepancy between the number of people that Stephen believed had
approached him, and the number Jill had observed approaching him.
Jill eventually wanted to drop the subject, but Stephen continued to
insist that he was right.
For the most part, Stephen and Jill enjoy the little games in their
relationship. Without these games, their rime together wouldn’t be
as enjoyable. Both regard the games as fun and exciting. Stephen
likes it when Jill teases him. He finds that it makes him even more
attracted to her. And Jill likes all the contests that Stephen sets up
for them. She not only enjoys it when she beats him; she also derives
pleasure from watching him gloat after he wins.
Occasionally, however, Jill and Stephen’s competitiveness gets in
the way of their becoming more intimate. Stephen will not be com-
pletely open with Jill about his innermost feelings, because he fears
that she will regard such an act as a sign that he wants her more
than she wants him, and that she will then move on to someone else
whom she sees as being harder to get. Jill, too, will not be completely
open with Stephen, because she senses this dilemma of his, and
doesn’t want to relinquish what she considers to be an aspect of the
relationship in which she feels she is winning.
Wes and Gina
W es thought that Gina would give him at least one point. They
have been playing racquetball for almost forty-five minutes, and Wes
is getting dizzy from futilely trying to catch up with the little blue
ball that has been bouncing off just about everything in the court
except his paddle. Gina is relentless in her attempt to keep him from
scoring any points. Finally he hits a good shot, but instead of con-
gratulating him, she contends that he hit her previous shot on the
second bounce and therefore should lose the point. Wes is convinced
that he hit the shot on the first bounce, but at the moment he thinks
that whether or not he did is completely irrelevant. After all, he just
made his first good shot of the day; she should be happy for him.
W es gets upset and walks off the court. He gathers his things and goes out to Gina’s car, where he sits on the hood and waits for her
to come out and apologize.
Wes and Gina have been going out for six months, and t..f:tere are
I f f
I l t ‘
I ‘ l t. I
I
times when Wes thinks that Gina sees the two of them as being
involved in a competition rather than a relationship. She is deter-
mined to be the best at everything-not just at racquetball and other
naturally competitive ventures, but at things as seemingly uncom-
petitive as taking down phone messages. W es sees Gina as someone
who could turn this seemingly mindless task into a challenge of who
can take down the better, more comprehensive messages.
Gina also turns the romantic aspects of their relationship into a
competition. One of her favorite things to do is to play a kissing
game with W es; the two of them sit so that there are just a few
inches between their lips, and the winner is the one who resists the
temptation to kiss the other the longest. Gina has never lost this
game, as Wes always succumbs to his desire to kiss her; after all, he
knows that if he does not kiss her, they will sit there all day, because
Gina would never give Wes the satisfaction of winning. For the most part, Wes does not mind Gina’s competitiveness. It
rurns a lot of seemingly unexciting tasks-taking phone messages,
to continue with that example-into…
