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Cyber-Affairs Joan D. Atwood PhD a a Graduate Programs in Marriage and Family Therapy , Hofstra University , Hempstead, NY, USA Published online: 03 Oct 2008.
To cite this article: Joan D. Atwood PhD (2005) Cyber-Affairs, Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy: Innovations in Clinical and Educational Interventions, 4:2-3, 117-134, DOI: 10.1300/ J398v04n02_11
To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J398v04n02_11
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Cyber-Affairs: “What’s the Big Deal?”
Therapeutic Considerations
Joan D. Atwood
SUMMARY. It can be estimated that 50-60% of married men and 45-55% of married women engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their marriage and almost half come to therapy because of it. On-line infidelity accounts for a growing trend in reasons given for divorce according to the President of the American Academy of Matri- monial Lawyers and it is believed that it has been greatly underesti- mated. Because of the unfamiliarity and newness of this type of infidelity, mental health professionals are often unfamiliar with the dy- namics associated with the concept of cyber-affairs and “virtual cheat- ing.” Many in fact do not consider the behavior as infidelity.
It is the purpose of this paper to explore this phenomenon, the cyber-affair, and examine the factors influencing it, the unique problems associated with this type of affair, along with a discussion of the thera- peutic considerations. [Article copies available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service: 1-800-HAWORTH. E-mail address: Website: ©2005 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.]
Joan D. Atwood, PhD, is Director, Graduate Programs in Marriage and Family Ther- apy, Hofstra University, Hempstead, NY.
[Haworth co-indexing entry note]: “Cyber-Affairs: ‘What’s the Big Deal?’ Therapeutic Considerations.” Atwood, Joan D. Co-published simultaneously in Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy (The Haworth Press) Vol. 4, No. 2/3, 2005, pp. 117-134; and: Handbook of the Clinical Treatment of Infidelity (ed: Fred P. Piercy, Katherine M. Hertlein, and Joseph L. Wetchler) The Haworth Press, Inc., 2005, pp. 117-134. Single or multiple copies of this article are available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service [1-800-HAWORTH, 9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. (EST). E-mail address: docdelivery@haworthpress.com].
Available online at http://www.haworthpress.com/web/JCRT 2005 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.
doi:10.1300/J398v04n02_11 117
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KEYWORDS. Infidelity, cyber-affairs, virtual cheating, cyber-flirting, cyber-sex
DEFINITION OF INTERNET INFIDELITY
In 2000, The New York Times reported that about one in four regular Internet users, or 21 million Americans, visited one of the more than 60,000 sex sites on the web at least once a month (Egan, 2000). It is not unreasonable to suspect that many of these individuals were in a couple relationship and that many of them engaged in chat-room activities (Schneider, 2001). It is difficult to define the cyber-affair just as it is dif- ficult to define infidelity in the non-cyber world (Atwood & Seifer, 1997). Internet infidelity in this paper is described as an infidelity that consists of taking energy of any sort (thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) outside of the committed relationship in such a way that it damages in- teractions between the couple and negatively impacts the intimacy in the relationship. This is based on the assumption that anything that is deliberately hidden from a partner can create an emotional distance that could present a serious problem in the relationship (Shaw, 1997).
Lusterman (1998) defines infidelity as the breach of trust. He states that one significant element of the mutual trust in a marriage is the un- spoken vow that the couple will remain sexually exclusive. Another is that there is a certain level of emotional intimacy that is reserved for the couple, not to be shared with others. Pittman and Pittman-Wagers (1995) agree and state that secrecy is a primary factor in the definition of infidelity. Infidelity then depends a great deal on the couple’s under- standing of the contract they have with one another and additionally when they define that contract as being threatened.
Internet infidelity is different from other traditional infidelities in that it appears to be anonymous and relatively safe, as it can be pursued in the privacy of one’s own home or office. One’s identity can be com- pletely obscured or misrepresented. It can also be pursued any time, day or night with not much effort, seemingly not interfering with the indi- vidual’s day to day living. Thus, some of the “signs” that a person is en- gaging in Internet infidelity would be: going to the computer in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping, an escalation of time spent on the computer, demand for privacy, lying about computer activ- ities, lack of interest in communicating with spouse, sexually or other- wise, unavailability to children because of computer activities, sudden additional time spent at work, etc.
118 HANDBOOK OF THE CLINICAL TREATMENT OF INFIDELITY
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When two people interact over the Internet, the conversation gener- ally offers unconditional support and comfort. This electronic bond can offer the fantasy of the excitement, romance, and passion that may be missing in the current relationship. Instead of dealing with how to con- front the issues of conflict in the marriage, the individuals use the cyber-relationship as an easy escape from the “real” issues. The Internet infidelity can become a means of coping with unresolved issues or un- expressed anger toward a partner as an outside person electronically of- fers understanding and comfort for hurt feelings (Young, O’Mara, & Buchanan, 1999).
TYPES OF INTERNET INFIDELITY
Like traditional infidelity, there are various types of cyber-relation- ships. Cooper, Putnam, Planchon and Bois (1999) divided cyber-sex us- ers into three categories: recreational users, “at risk” users, and sexually compulsive users. Recreational users accessed on-line sexual connec- tions out of curiosity; sexually compulsive users spent at least 11 hours per week online engaged in cyber-sex activities; at risk persons were persons who had no prior history of sexual on-line activity yet when af- forded the opportunity and the time spend substantial time and energy on-line engaged in cyber-sex activities. Internet infidelity is based pri- marily on the extent of the interaction and the emotional commitment of the Surfer (the spouse committing the Internet infidelity) gives to the Internet and his or her cyber-friends. The continuum of involvement ex- tends from simple curiosity, which is characteristic of most adults, to obsessive involvement, more characteristic of sex or relationship addicts.
When the subtle power, instant gratification and almost universal wish to be found interesting, attractive, and desirable come together, the unsuspecting user may find him or herself in a rapidly accelerating rela- tionship with a momentum and life of its own.
The Cyber-Flirt (Chatting in Cyber-Space)
The Cyber-Flirt is a surfer who logs on to the Internet to chat with cyber-friends. The interactions can be on-line chats taking place in chat rooms, newsgroups, or IM’s (instant messages). This type of interaction can become a problem for the couple when the Surfer goes on to the Internet to chat with the cyber-friends instead of spending time with his
Internet Infidelity 119
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or her spouse or if the Cyber-Flirt begins telling marital problems to the…
