HEALTH PROMOTION AND DISEASE PROMOTION
Running head: HEALTH PROMOTION AND DISEASE PROMOTION 1
HEALTH PROMOTION AND DISEASE PROMOTION 13
SMARTHINKING’s NURSING AND ALLIED HEALTH
E-structor Response Form (Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing.
Hi Carla! My name is Darleen and I look forward to working with you on this Health Sciences and Nursing Essay Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!
Writer’s Name: Carla 11578420
Institution: Regis College Nursing (MA)
Course Level/Title: NU-629-06-20PCS3 Adv Hlth.Promotion&Disease Prevention
Essay Title: Transgendar
Assignment Description: Needs to be APA format, grammar and APA refernces , check for page numbering , header
*Strengths of the essay: This is an interesting and very important topic and you have included some very good discussion points in your essay. It was a pleasure to review your submission.
Introduction/Conclusion: Consider revising your introductory paragraph to eliminate details and citations that do not belong in the very first paragraph. Also be sure to include a clearly identified purpose statement to help your reader understand what your essay will discuss. For example, “The purpose of this essay is to …..”
Consider writing and including a well written conclusion. If you include a purpose statement in your introduction, refer back to this in your conclusion. A strong conclusion will clearly indicate a summary of your main topic.
See The Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook Chapter 3: Drafting Your Essay Lessons 1 and 2, “Writing effective Introductions and Strong Conclusions.” It can be accessed by clicking the Academic resources Icon on your Smarthinking Homepage or at the following link:
https://services.smarthinking.com/static/document_library/docs/writeman/3_01.cfm
https://services.smarthinking.com/static/document_library/docs/writeman/3_02.cfm
Grammar & Mechanics: There are a lot of typographical, punctuation and grammatical errors throughout your essay so be sure to proofread carefully and correct all errors. Read each sentence out loud to make sure it sounds “right.”
Avoid all use of slang words and phrases and only utilize professional terminology at all times. Be sure to always identify who or what you mean by terms such as “they” or “it.”
Eliminate unnecessary words. Make your sentences very clear and very concise.
Content Development: You include a lot of very good information and data in your essay. Be sure you define every key concept so that your reader knows exactly what you are talking about. Consider defining what the term “transgender” means. Also, this seems to be a major topic for your paper but you spend very little time really talking about it. Consider including more detail, more statistics, and more definition to support this concept.
Be sure that you clearly identify all abbreviations the first time they are used in an essay.
Organization: The introduction should not have a heading. APA manual p. 27.
Be sure to include a properly formatted title page.
Running head is too long. Consider shortening it. Do we “promote “disease?
Using headings helps to organize your paper. Please check your resources for correct APA format and proper heading formats.
Good use of headings that really help to organize your paper.
Use of Resources: Please review your APA resources carefully regarding formatting of the references, citing and quoting and consider using the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook and choose Chapter 2: Section 3, Lesson 9. Be sure to remove all blue hyperlinks and underlines from your reference list. Writing: Nursing/Allied Health tutors are Content Specialists and are not authorized as Writing Specialists. For specific questions about grammar, mechanics, and APA format, please submit your essay to our Grammar and Documentation review service in The Smarthinking Writing Center.
Summary of Next Steps:
· Revise your introductory paragraph and include the purpose of your essay at the end of your introductory paragraph.
· Consider more definition and detailed discussion on the transgender population.
· Write a conclusion that summarizes all the main points and answers all of the questions and predictions made in the introduction.
· Be sure to carefully proofread your essay, sometimes you have to read it aloud to catch spelling errors that the computer spell check overlooked. For additional ideas about proof reading use http://services.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/contents.cfm link Chapter 4: Revising and Editing Your Essay, lessons 1,2, and 3
· Read embedded comments and suggestions and consider revising as needed.
· After you reviewed the APA manual and applied the APA style and you still have questions, submit a clean draft of your essay to the Writing/Essay Center for assistance with Grammar, Mechanics, and APA.
· Use your APA manual Ch.7 and the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.
· And here are additional resources that may be helpful
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/10/
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/06/
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/07/
· Good luck with your studies
Thank you for submitting your essay for review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking’s student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook or the Smarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer’s Handbook .
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Please look for more comments [in bold brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking. We hope to see you again soon.
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Section one (introduction)
According to the World Health organization, [All three words are capitalized. They are all part of the proper name of this organization.] having merely the absence of diseases does not mean that one is healthy. Therefore the [ A more precise…] precise definition of an individual’s health is having a complete status of physical, social, and mental wellbeing (Constitution, 2020). The concept of health involves understanding several factors such as it is a valuable factor to everybody regardless of ethnicity, religion, race, or social difference. With this in mind, therefore, every individual right access a high standard of health, and if there is unequal development, this may result in discrimination or unfair treatment in health promotion programs. It is also essential it notes that health is not just a responsibility of the government, but every person has a responsibility in promoting health as much as we all aim to benefits from proper medical and healthcare services. When a particular group is unable to cope up with risk or anticipate the impact of a specific disaster, the particular population can be classified as a vulnerable group. Example of people who are considered to have high vulnerability includes children, immune-compromised persons, pregnant women, and elderly. Some of the contributing factor to vulnerability includes malnutrition, poverty, poor housing, and homelessness. [You have include a lot of great information in this introductory paragraph. However, introductions should be just that, a brief introduction to your topic and why it is important. It should not include details such as contributing factors and citations. Those belong in the body of your essay. You should also write and include a purpose statement to help guide your reader into the intent of your paper. [Eliminate unnecessary wording such as “therefore.” There are several major grammatical and sentence structure errors so be sure to proofread carefully and correct all errors.]
Health changes as the environment [What environment? Be specific.] continue to change, and as this change continue to evolve or emerge human being have been implementing different ideas, developing a science-based approach, innovating new technology and epidemiology for generations. In most cases, the diseases that emerge are finally dealt with, and this involves endless effort to get the solution. For example, Before Edward Jenner’s 1796 discovery of the smallpox vaccine, the disease had wiped out [Consider using more professional terminology here.] thousands of individuals. However, soon after, he discovers that knowledge is still one of the modern science applied in medicine today [?] (Tulchinsky & Varavikova, 2014). It is, therefore, evident the historical records of heath have the potential to help in understanding health-related issues and making it quicker to develop ways that can help in dealing with current or new situations. Tulchinsky & Varavikova (2014) states that public health a [?] history that has knowledge that shows approaches that have been implemented in the human era to improve health and protect the public against infections. [Good info but a little challenging to read. Several of the sentences do not make sense as written. Be sure to proofread carefully and correct all errors.]
Current different government or countries implements various initiatives to deal with health issues, and the US, in particular, has a Healthy People initiative that takes one decade. [What?] In every period of this specific time, the country focuses on twelve health-related issues and gives way forward towards addressing each on the matter appropriately. The objective set in every decade helps to assess the progress in terms of public health at the national level and motives individuals to work toward achieving each of the goals set. The initiative also promotes collaboration of the healthcare sector with both internal…
