revise edit document to outline

Could you revise for me please? This is the comment from my instructor. I am attaching what I submitted.(Both the draft and formal). Just need to revise formal into an outline as below. In other words, use my formal just revise into proper outline format.

Very thorough for a draft outline, which is good! I would encourage you to revisit the formal outline — you should be writing in short, succinct sentences, not paragraph format. Try to avoid writing out your entire speech and remember you should be giving an extemporaneous speech, not reading from a manuscript.

EXAMPLE:

Topic: Communicating via e-mail Purpose: To inform the audience about proper communication techniques when using e-mail. Thesis Statement: Proper e-mail communication techniques can improve your efficiency and enhance your image as a competent professional.

INTRODUCTION

I. Attention-getter: Raise your hand if the following ever happened to you.

A. Have you ever received a rude e-mail?

B. Have you ever regretted sending an e-mail?

C. Have you ever wondered why an e-mail you sent never got a reply?

II. Personal credibility: I have the qualifications to discuss this topic.

A. For several years, I have dealt with e-mail communication barriers at work.

B. I sought solutions from research by qualified experts.

III. Thesis and preview: Proper e-mail communication techniques can improve your efficiency and enhance your image as a competent professional.

A. First, we cover problems with e-mail content that cause messages to be misunderstood or rejected.

B. Second, we cover stylistic problems that cause e-mail to have less impact or the wrong impact.

C. Finally, I will share several solutions that should improve your e-mail effectiveness.

[Transition: We begin our search for effective e-mail by finding what we need to fix.]

BODY

I. Improper message content reduces e-mail effectiveness.

A. Many e-mail messages are misread.

1. Ease of sending messages reduces cool-down periods, so messages get sent in the heat of anger.

2. Senders disclose personal information, forgetting ease of forwarding messages to anyone.

B. Many e-mail messages go unread or get deleted.

1. Missing information prevents messages from achieving their purpose. a. Some messages contain no subject heading. b. Some messages contain no signature or other clear identification of the sender.

2. Messages look like spam if they are too informal for written communication.

[Transition: The second major problem area concerns style.]

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